'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
