Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
