I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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