im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize