He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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