i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
tequila makes me forget i have legs
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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