sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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