so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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