The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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