I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
