Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
