I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize