Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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