I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
