I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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