She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
NoShamevember. You game?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
