yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
