I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
