Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
