Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
