I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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