Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
