Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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