You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
