Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
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