Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
