At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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