i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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