so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Why did my mother make you get naked?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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