...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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