I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
