Where did you get a picture of my penis
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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