Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
