Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
