I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
