Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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