how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
