God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
