i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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