i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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