Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
