The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
