I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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