the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
