if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
