I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize