Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
