Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
