...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
