one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
