the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
