dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
