I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
