Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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