Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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