Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
