new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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