When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize